You have got a visitor…
There are times when I just sit and try to analyze myself. Lots of churning goes on at those times and in general, I have observed that I don’t like people. It might sound weird and creepy and you are free to imagine me as a rude, self-obsessed narcissist but that is how it is. Most of them irritate me to an extent where I feel like screaming and deem that world would be a far happier and livable place if it could get rid of some of the morons and some of the over intelligent (read smartass) people. Or at the least, almighty could do a balancing job by distributing some of the intelligence from these smartasses to their counterparts i.e. plain asses… Well, I am not sure if good god has any such plans in near future or not but as an alternative, (s)he (again, I am not sure if god is male or female…) keeps on sending some subjects to me, so that my belief stay intact. Today was the day, when god was in one of those nasty moods to test my patience and it started like – 

11.00 AM – Came to office, haven’t even finished the first dose of coffee

R (one of my PMs) comes in – there are 2 guys who wanna meet you.. 
Me – For?
R – Not sure, I tried speaking to them but they insisted to see you.
Me – Hmm.. send them in 

They come in, staring at the office… up and down, left and right..
I am silently praying its not an income or sales or service or whatever tax raid, you never know with those jerks nowdays

V – Nice office you have.. 
Me – fear getting stronger, Thanks!
V – Quite good for a computer repair business
Me – Excuse me
V – Huh… Nothing
Me – So how can I help you?

One of them gets the laptop from bag and places it on my desk

V – I wanna get some software installed in it, I have this list my kid gave to me (trying to find some thing in his pocket)
Me – Blink in astonishment (Now the pieces fall in place like why he said nice place for a computer repair shop)
V – How much would you charge for this?
Me – Sorry but we don’t do this, we develop software, that too for cell phones. 
V – Huh, but I was told that I can contact you to get this done
Me – I am sorry, but this is not what we do here, thanks…
V – Still sitting
V – Are you sure…
Me – !@#*^& Yes I am

12.30 Noon

Peon – some one is there for you...

V – I am AK
Me – expecting him to say more but he remains silent…
Me – So…
V – I was told that you will be expecting me
Me – But I was not…
V – Excuse me
Me – Err… never mind
V – You are M (a name quite similar to mine)
Me – Sorry but I am M
V – oh…
Me - @#^%$&

4.00 PM – sorry but day is not finished yet :(

R once again, there are some visitors for you?
Me – Not again.. 
R – Smiles
Me - What are my options?
R – None! One of them says, he is your dad’s friend
Me – Hmm…

Comes in and speaks non stop for next 5 minutes about how good friends he and my dad are, though its altogether a different story that I have never seen or heard about him in my whole life.

gives me an old pamphlet, pale and torn as if Columbus discovered it in one of his voyages

Me – So?
V – Actually, this is a computer institute (again blah-blahs for next 2-3 minutes) and its about the franchisee of the same.
Me – Oh so you are planning to take franchisee of this.
V - Not exactly, I already have that but I think I am too old and misfit for this so I was thinking probably you can take it and give me 25%, you can keep rest of it and thus it would be a profitable business for both of us.. right? 
Me – some silent curses and then goes another 5 minutes to explain him that I really am not interested 
V – Disappointed, while leaving
Me – BTW, tell me one thing, if I would really want to do some thing like that, why will I give you 25%... I can go directly to these guys and have a franchise in my name.. no?
V – Stares back at me
Me – Gee.. Thanks

Me - Screaming at peon.. come what may but no more visitors for next 7 days.. tell them that I am dead… 


Short and sour!
Obama’s swearing-in ceremony costs USD 170 Million… and they say its recession times hence economy is on low track and hence jobs have to be sliced off.. what a joke!!
If looks could kill…
In the building where we have our office, there are just two companies on this floor. First one is ours and the other is HP Service Center. Now it’s a thumb rule that each and every day we will have to tell at least 4-5 people that NOOO, this is not HP Office and then which office is this, is none of their bloody business (coz that is the immediate next question – @!#!@%^&). Though the poor HP guys have spent a hell lot of money on signage for main door, parking, staircase, office door and where not (even their loo) but who cares.. too indolent to glance upwards and read the board.. eh... The next unwritten rule of thumb is that if I am on phone, I cant just sit and will be found shunting in the corridor and visitors will be like.. Boss.. HP Office??? Of course I am talking on phone but so what…its taken for granted that my primary role there is to tell people how to glance upwards and figure out that if the board is there, its not a bloody mistake, the door must be opening into HP Office only. It might be that my face has ‘Navigator’ written all over it but now days I have devised a new way to deal with such shit. So a typical conversation is like -

Me walking in corridor

Visitor while standing in front of HP – Boss… HP Office?
Me – Point a finger to the board 
V – Smile with a “oh, how dumb of me” look on face
Me – "I know its dumb of you” look on face
V – is it closed?
Me – What do you see there?
V – "Puzzled look", Lock!
Me – Shrug – “There you are sweety” look on face 

you might ask, how does that help and to be honest, it does not.. there are same number of dumbasses asking for it but the looks afterwards on their face is worth all the pain and efforts... 

Cheers ! 

Auction… (On as and where available basis)
First thing first, this is not ST who is writing this post, instead, it’s his dad who is in the pilot seat this time. Now, you guys read it on your own risk coz there might be so many things which will not be to your liking, plus this is going to be a long post coz I feel it would not be possible to clearly describe the terms of auction and highlights of the item to be auctioned in concise. Then, I am really a fair and transparent man and don’t want to hide some thing and keep the scope for blame game later on. Needless to say, think twice rather thrice before commenting, coz that will include you in the list of interested contenders. 

You might ask, how did I manage to hack his blogger account, but that’s no brainer actually, coz I simply told him that otherwise I am gonna register a parallel blog and make sure that I write a post every day. You might also ask, how the hell did I come up with this idea but that is also a no brainer, coz it is the best place to post this kind of advert as that is where I have the brightest possibility of finding an equally moronic, bird brained blockhead (like ST) who will be interested in this type of auction. (If you do not agree to this point, ask any sensible person that why do people blog and I am sure he/she won’t be able to answer that). Also, If you are single, you need to make sure that your parents do not get a slightest idea of this and if you are already married and parent of a PITA (click on link if you don’t know what I am talking about), then you might use an idea or two from here.

To start with, let us get into a little background. There is an old song, Aadmi jo kahta hai, aadmi jo karta hai, zindagi bhar vo sadaye peecha karti hai (whatever we say and do, follows us for the whole life) and to be honest, some times I feel that the song was written with me in the mind of the lyricist. Or probably he made the same mistake which I did. No prize for guessing what mistake I am talking about. Around 30 years back, I made this blunder and the end result is here... Still following me no matter how and what I try to flee off. That is why, after much consideration and thought processing, I am taking this initiative to arrange an auction. 

The terms are quite different from regular auctions, as here the lowest bidder with the least counter terms will be the winner. Shipping charges will be incurred by us (with pleasure), maintenance charges for first 3 months will be paid by us in terms of not exceeding to “xx” INR, payable in advance and lump sum as per mutual agreement.  There is no such list as claim or warranty terms as that is ABSOLUTELY not available. 

1) The item here is a 30 something creature from the male species of the human races. However, he firmly believes, age is just a number and that has nothing to do with sharing the responsibilities, making sensible decisions or talks, do the things which human beings usually do (like marriage, kids, being social in relations and society etc. to name a few). 
2) When it comes to the tasks like cleaning up his own room, participate in family matters and sharing the household responsibilities like going to market for grocery or other shopping, his opinion about certain decisions etc., you can expect as much share as from a 3 year old. 
3) Though the creature mentioned here is working currently but has a strong longing towards retirement as soon as a suitable caretaker is found. The term suitable means, one who can pay his car installment (not to mention, these will keep on changing as soon as he gets bored of current one which happens whenever a new model appears in market), fuel cost, shopping bills, three annual vacations (lavish) etc. The detailed list can be checked in annexure –I here or obtained on request. 
4) He has a brother, though duly settled in his life with wife and kid but shares same feelings about the retirement and caretaker can thus expect 3 new add-ons to the original item auctioned any fine morning. 
5) Shopping to him means, buying a shirt or trouser with same shade of green or red or black or any color for that matter for 999th time, get his hands on latest gadgets and any other thing which has a circuit or gear in it. 
6) He firmly believes in the brand values and thus only branded clothes, shoes, shades, music system, phones etc. will do for him. However, when it comes for the shopping for other person (not to be done by him of course), he has a very liberal attitude as he also believes in Shakespeare (“Whats in name”) and obviously when the label /tag of the brand is usually found inside of attire, not visible to others, why to pay extra bucks from your hard earned money (your = caretaker, see he is such a caring sweetheart) for a damn label.
7) Watching TV means, putting it on mute while changing channels in every millisecond, and the music system playing the current favorite in full blast. During all this time, the creature will actually be reading a newspaper or book.
8) Listening to music means what is his favorite, which keeps on changing as you blink the eyes, in repeat mode for n number of times (no number can do justice here so let us stick to ‘n’). He is still searching for the music system (BOSE is preferred) which can play just the particular piece of a song in repeat mode.
9) If you hear hysterical sounds at 2 AM in night like some one is laughing while rolling on floor, there is nothing to worry about as the creature will be actually watching re-run of FRIENDS for 555th time or watching Jab We Met for 555555th time.
10) Expecting him to cook will strictly mean to boiling water, make coffee and in worst case, prepare Maggi. Nevertheless, cleaning up the mess in kitchen then after will not be included in cooking. 
11) A battery operated automatic stapler with 5 or more gears (even god almighty will have a hard time in finding out the role of those gears) or a Bluetooth toy car operated by mobile phone (didn’t I say about the belief that age is just a number and then as we all know men are the same like kids – only older - and usually prefer more expensive toys) are the gifts which you can expect from him as your birthday present and it should be adequate enough without any nagging. In case when he doesn’t really need any such thing, best wishes alone should suffice. 
12) Telling him to shave even once in a month is as big offence as asking Elizabeth Taylor, why she divorced his eighth husband? So you dare not bring up this subject and its suggested to develop a liking towards shaggy beards.
13) Sleeping at 3 and waking up at 10 is absolutely perfect timings and these can be stretched for 2-3 hours in special occasions like weekends, holidays and may be as per his mood (not more than 4-5 times a week). However, he is very particular about the diets, especially the breakfast (as that is the most important meal of the day) and expects it to be ready as soon as he is out of bed. Preference will be given to the caretaker who can derive some way to open up his mouth without disturbing the sleep and slip the breakfast in without him stirring up.  
14) Its advisable to get the food list approved for 1 week in advance, as he is very particular about it. 

Those are the core highlights of the item to be auctioned and you can express your interest by commenting to this post and we will immediately arrange the shipping within next 24 hours of signing the papers. As mentioned item will be auctioned on “as and where available” basis and can be inspected 24x7 hours for 365 days. The auction will be on first come first serve basis and the detailed list of features and terms can be obtained on request.

Happy bidding !!

Deadly embrace of relationships – Part 2
Imagine this – A and B are very good friends but A does not get along very well with C. Now whenever B speaks or laughs or shares some thing with C, it makes A depressed and hurt. According to her, if A does not like C, even B should cut off with her. Not only that, A does not even want to reveal this to B. To her, it should be an obvious reaction for the sake of their friendship. Apparently they end up with a bitter relationship and according to A it was all due to B, who was so uncaring and inconsiderate that she couldn’t understand her true feelings and continued a relationship with someone who was not her favorite.

Now, a more complex example (different from the above) – A and B are cousins and share very similar mindset and a pretty good friendship, which has nothing to do with their blood relation. However, there parents do not go along very well, coz B’s parents do not have a good impression of A’s parents and hence A, or vice versa. Despite this reluctance, B does not care about it and continues to be friends with A. Now B is going to be married and expects A to join little early to be with him for the most important occasion of his life. On the contrary, A’s parents are not very enthusiastic about it coz according to them, it is B’s parents who are supposed to invite them properly and ask for it. As per their opinion, why should A go when B’s parents don’t really like it! Quite conveniently they forget that it was same for B but he always made best of the efforts to keep the relation alive and pleasant. A is stuck between his parents and B but can not do any thing coz he does not want to upset either of them. The false egos of the parents ruin a relationship which was far above than all these immaterial issues. 

Sounds familiar? I guess yes… We face similar situations in life all the time and end up in loosing a precious relation which was worth all these fake attitude related problems, but we hardly learn a lesson and repeat this over again. When we love some one, why do we want him/her to create a sphere around and do only those things which are good to our liking? Why don’t we realize that we should not force some one to act as we please, just because we are friends!

Friendship or any other relationship for that matter is supposed to be shared by two individuals but then why do parents or other members in our surroundings, expect those individuals to be nice with them as well. If I share a good relationship with someone, why that ‘someone’ is supposed to have an equally nice relationship with rest of my family? No two persons are same, then how can we expect two families to be similar. While actually it was supposed to be a relation between two individuals, it is expected to be a relation between two families. When 2 individuals were supposed to deal with only their egos and attitudes, now it’s the ego of 10 persons (thanks to the families) which is required to be dealt with. Why every relation has to have some strings attached to it? In today’s world when we are already so stressed and striving for some good relations and friends in our surroundings, why do we make them so complex and end up in impairing the relations for the sake of others who are actually supposed to be totally irrelevant in it. 

Alas, I don’t have any answers for all these questions but needless to say, I am damn so frustrated... I don’t even know if you will be able to relate to the characters or make sense of it while reading but cant help it… coz that is how I feel... frustrated!