Beware! Bozos on the loose
Have you ever noticed how many jerks are rambling open in this world who should have never actually been allowed to come out of the primary schools. They will look like our regular next door guy but with a catch, and that is, they never actually came across the basics of a civilized society. They wander open in streets threatening to humanity and can be found everywhere without putting in any major efforts. If you ask me, now when they are already out and probably too old for schools, only other suitable place that comes to mind is perhaps a zoo.

The subjects here can be divided in several categories and as it will not be possible to cover them all in a single post, I will start with a generic category which is usually found on roads. You don’t really need to hunt for them, count 1, 2, and hey presto! There they are… honking with all their might. No left, no right, no rules, no regulations, just honk honk honk. To quench my never ending thirst for erudition, I decided to interview some serious gamers in the field with just one question, why do people honk! So here we go…

Subject 1 – 20 something, nicely trimmed goatee, wearing a leather jacket, pierced ear, expensive shades and even expensive bike

Style uncle style! Gotta noticed by chicks, aap nai samjhoge baba, tez gadi chalane padta hai, ladki log ko impress karna padta hai (you won’t understand old bag, need to drive fast, need to impress the gals)

Subject 2 – in his middle age, accelerating an old Bajaj Chetak like doing 120 miles per hour but actually standing still on a red signal, finger firmly glued to horn button.

Puzzled.. am I? heh heh!!

Subject 3 – from some nearby village, in a Mahindra Utility overloaded with grain bags, milk cans and 2 buffalos. Wearing Pagdi, dhoti and kurta (Turban and traditional Indian dress)

Tanne ke? Mhari gadi, mhara horan, tanne ke panchayant hon laag ri hai? Aur ib side main ho le, varna mar mara javega (None of your bloody business. My car, my horn, who are you to ask? And BTW, stay out of the way or will be flattened here only.)

Subject 4 – a truck driver on highway, no traffic but still screaming with the pressure horn.

Gadi ke peeche dekho saab (look at the back of truck sir)

In colorful letters it had written -

Hum bhi banna chahte the sangeetkar, par duniya luta baithe
Kismat kuch aise palti, lorry chala baithe

(wanted to be a musician but lost everything, life took a steep turn and ended up as a truck driver)

Bus saab is liye ye horn se he music baja baja ke khush ho lete hai (so sir, I try to please myself by playing some music with this horn)

Then suddenly some loud folk music echoed in the air, I tried to figure out where it was coming from and saw a camel-cart on the far end of road. As it came nearer I asked the villager riding on it. Hey what’s wrong, why this loud music?

kya kare saab, hamari gadi main horn nai hai na, to bus ye gana baje ke he khush ho lete hai.

(What to do sir, no horn in my camel-cart so trying to please myself by this music only)

To be contd..
(with a different category of bozos next time)

Till then, keep honking…


Happy _______ Blah blah blah…
Okay fellas, so it is Holi, and by the grace of all those messaging aficionados, my cell inbox is full once again with all those colorful, loving, emotional and heartily good wishes. Now I really appreciate that and I mean it, but there is a small problem, literally insignificant, and that is, I don’t know the names of more than half of these well-wishers. I know am sounding discourteous as usual but can’t help it and I need to ask this one question – WHY DON’T YOU GUYS WRITE YOUR NAME IN THE END OF MESSAGE? Do you think just because you have my number in your phonebook, I will also have your number stored? And hey, let us get this straight. I don’t have any misconception about myself so let us not fake it. I know, most of you have my number stored only coz either you are too lazy to manage and clean up the phone book or you simply don’t know that cell phones also have a delete contact option. So willingly or unwillingly, on every occasion, which India has in tons, you simply select all and send the so called best wishes. You guys have no clue, what a herculean task it is for someone like me who don’t have a phonebook at all. However, today, to make an exception, I decided to dig through my old phonebook backups and guess what I found – Among others, I also got best wishes from -
  • Someone who literally threatened me in our last meeting with words “dekhna aap”, (You will see), which was around 7 years back.
  • In-charge of banquet hall in our wedding.
  • Some corrupt embezzling officer to whom I spoke once for an order (in my previous business) and the deal didn’t materialize coz apart from money, he asked for some xxx CDs (internet was not that common those days). Again some 6 years back.
  • An old crook customer who didn’t pay the final invoice and stopped picking up phones, replying to messages and ended up in bad debts.
Then there is a guy who never stays in touch otherwise but will always send a message on festivals. As obvious, I don’t bother to reply so after 4 days he will call personally to tell me, yaar maheep, bade aadmi ho gaye ho, message ka reply bhi nai karte? (Maheep, you have become a big-shot or what, you don’t even reply to my messages?). Urgh.. come on buddy, get a life. The same fellow, met me once after marriage and greeted with – “Yaar shadi main bulaya he nai? Bulate to kuch dekar he jate!! (Hey, you dint invite me in your wedding, If nothing, I would have given some gift). Now what could I say.. so.. wateve!!

Anyways, I have this special festive offer for all you guys, instead of sending a message next time, please call me and I will tell you how to delete a contact from your phonebook. Muft, muft, muft!! (Free, free, free!!)


Christa’s Wobble, Gobble, Goggally Goup whatever..
A week or so ago, I noticed that the silicone is wearing in my shower. While I have been trying to do everything to avoid having to repair the shower it has come time to do something with a bit of black mold behind the silicone.

So I make the inevitable trip to Home Depot (not sure if you have one of these stores but if you don’t they will come…invest in them but don’t ever shop there). I ask one of the many ‘helpful’ people there who simply tell me to remove the silicon, clean it really well and replace it. All you need is a few simple supplies and it’s a piece of cake. Cake I think, yeah right. I have no choice so I buy the simply supplies and walk out the door.

I start hacking away at the old silicone around the shower but I of course, cannot get in between the glass and the silicone on the glass door. So I again, make another trip to Home Depot (aka hell) this is the inevitable Home Depot scam #1 – you ALWAYS end up going back and forth because they ALWAYS forget to mention something, don’t tell you how much you need, or something doesn’t work. I chat with some ‘helpful’ staff who don’t know what I am talking about – I’m smart enough to take some photos (this is a must for any Home Depot question because they never know what you are talking about when it’s close to lunch) and they tell me that I have to remove the glass. Removing the glass no longer sounds simple. I drive home and start taking apart the door to remove the glass. Of course, the bolts will not undo (this is Home Dept Scam #2 – the necessary bolts never unscrew). I drive back to Home Depot to buy some WD-40. A few hours later, the glass is amazingly in one piece and I now have the silicon trim. I am proud! Again, I drive back to the minimum wage workers at Home Depot hoping for an easy solution and show them the piece I need – after going around the entire store, waiting for people to come back from their break and being passed on from one department to the next, I am eventually told that they don’t sell any bathroom trim pieces (Home Depot Scam #4 – they never have the pieces you require but are happy to sell you an entire new kit). Now, I am angry with myself for getting in so deep and not listening to my gut that this entire idea was stupid and it would be best to let the shower completely mold until it fell apart. So the next day, I spend a good chunk of it calling all around the city looking for a replacement. I find one place where the man actually seems to know what I’m talking about.. Naturally, they are located across town, a 40 minute drive each way with no traffic and over two big bridges which at any given time could have an accident on them. The next day, I do the trip, find the place only to be told they don’t have it in clear. Oh well, black, clear, whatever. Plus, I figure in the future, no one will see any black mold because it will be hidden in the black trim.

Come home and finally think that I can start the ‘putting it back together stage’ except I need one final run to Home Depot for some new screws. Of course, after scowling through 500 little boxes of screws with most of them meant for 7 foot apes, I find someone who works in the Department (yes, Home Depot Scam #428 where people can’t actually help a customer in another department) only to be told that they don’t have the ones I require. The man suggests I visit a specialty store not too far away. I finally get the screws and return home. It’s now taken me a half of a day to get a piece of plastic and eight screws. I should have just bought an entire new shower for $1,000.

So finally I begin the new silicone installation, I have a silicon gun, gloves to ensure the stuff doesn’t get on my hands, etc. etc. An hour or so later, I have one side panel on – it looks pretty good. Then I realize that I can’t install the bottom plate with the side panel on. I have to remove it. So I remove it, go to remove all of the silicon and of course, cleaning it makes a huge mess. Now, I’m not happy. I spend three more hours removing the new silicone. There is a big mess in the washroom, in the kitchen and everywhere in between because the silicon sticks to everything including myself, my clothes and socks.
This brings me to today. With another trip to Home Depot to buy more ‘supplies’ including another bottle of silicone and gloves, I begin again. All and all I do a pretty good job. I follow the instructions of putting a line of tape, putting a bead of silicone. No one mentions for how long I am to leave the tape and silicon on but I do large portions and remove the tape and for the side panels it appears to be working. However, on the bottom there is a bit of a gap between the silicone and the bottom panel which is obviously crucial to ensure the wood behind the showers doesn’t get wet. So I push the silicone down. It looks like crap. I call my Dad, he tells me to get rid of the gloves, lick my finger and just run it along the bottom. Hmmm I was told not to get it on my hands but now my Dad is telling me to lick my finger….it doesn’t sound so healthy… but at this point, I don’t care. I can eat a bit of silicone or go insane removing it all again and tossing it over the balcony and ending up in jail. I work away for several more hours thinking about how I am going to explain why a certain plan isn’t done and figure someone might laugh hard enough from my stupidity to forgive me for a day or two. I work away while thinking about business ideas and the irony of improvement business. ‘Home Hardware - Home of the Handy man” If I could find one there who would do the job I’d shop there but wait, they don’t shop there either. Home Depot’s slogan ‘More Saving. More Doing” Yeah, apparently opportunity cost aren’t calculated in this equation - you save $5 and spent a week of your time. There’s a bargain. So eventually, it looks pretty good but I don’t feel well. I feel nauseous!

I get up and try to figure out how to put the door on but can’t remember how it was done and logically, the door holder and the glass metal doesn’t seem to make sense. The door is now sitting against my dining room chair in the washroom. Perfect!

With several hours sitting on the floor of the shower installing silicon, how about a ‘Dog House Eliminator’ App – it’ll remind you of events and give you ideas of what to buy and what’s expected?

Perhaps tomorrow, I might get the door on.


Now if you guys are wondering that narrator of the story does not look like me, you have guessed it right. Meet Christa, she is a very good friend and business associate, lives in Canada and apart from fixing showers, do wild life photography, play with numbers (accounts) and of course tolerate me to make some of the retarded product ideas come true.

Edit - I think I should have posted it in two parts but when I was reading it, I didn’t really realize its that long. Anyways.. read it on your own risk.. oops.. I think disclaimer should come before the post..but then.. whateve!!

Insomniac Thoughts...
Its 3.00 AM in night. Don’t feel like sleeping. Well, I tried but no such luck. Feeling like writing.. hmm… but what? My mind is wandering in all directions. I suppose, germs in my brain are some extra active and restless kindda souls so lots of churning as usual. I can probably work. There is a mail I was supposed to reply 2 days back but at this time am not able to think straight so not a good idea. If she (client) gets to know that I chose to write a blog post over her work, I am a dead man. But still, not in the mood right now. You know what, lucky are people who fall in sleep immediately after getting into bed. Wifey is a good example who sleeps like a drunk. The moment she closes her eyes, she is asleep. Then there is me who fights with himself every night to slumber and finally when it happens, no more than 2-3 hours.

BTW, have you guys encountered the jerks when trying to withdraw money from ATM? These ATMs are supposed to make our lives easy but most of the time end up making it all the more miserable. Thinking again about it, its not the poor ATM, its us, we the people. Anyways, I suppose, there is nothing else to write, so let me try to classify some popular categories for the dumbasses found in ATMs

1) Slow and steady – They firmly believe in living life leisurely. Even if the queue outside is a mile long, they will enter in the booth as if walking in the garden. Spend another 3-4 minutes in finding the card in pocket or bag or whatever secret place they choose to store their valuable possession. Needless to say, they will read each and every instruction/step on screen and then carefully make a choice. Once the money pops out, another 2-3 minutes to count it twice or thrice. Just in case the dumb machine has decided to cheat on them. By the time they come out, most of the people are either calling names, or left in search for other booth or postponed their withdrawal.

2) United we are strong – When someone actually thought of these machines, they imagined of a single person operating it and thus designed the booth to accommodate only 1 person. But then there are few shitheads who just don’t get it. This kind of people will be found stuffed in ATMs unless there is no more room even for air. I have no fucking clue what exactly they do inside or why do they need to go inside in company but when you are alone and they are at least 5, its not a good idea to ask. Is it?

3) Hey its Sunday, let us train the family – I once happened to stuck outside of an ICICI ATM where some jerk was trying to teach his kid on how to operate this miraculous piece of modern machinery which eats your card and pops out money. For first few minutes I didn’t get what exactly is going on but then the smartass started with the 2nd kid and I literally lost it. I barged inside and he was like.. hey don’t you know, you are supposed to wait outside when someone is already in. What happened next is enough material for another post but trust me it was not nice :)

4) I need to use it now, I mean right now – These people somehow missed the primary classes when they were supposed to be taught about things like waiting, queue, patience etc. They will come straight in, totally ignoring your presence inside and start staring as if you are committing some kind of crime. Best part is, most of them are well educated or at least look like that. Try to question them and all you will get is... its so hot outside or hey I am not gonna steal your password or money and so on. Oh what did you say? Guard? Come on, its so hot and thus he is already in, resting on the floor in comfort of AC.

5) Oh what was my PIN once again – I don’t know why the hell banks made this whole process so difficult? I mean 4 bloody numbers for the PIN? Are you nuts or what? How are we lesser mortals supposed to remember such a long and difficult combination? Oh yeah, let us do one thing, write it on the back of the card itself. So these morons will insert the card, attempt 1 or 2 wrong passwords but then its so damn difficult. Hence cancel the transaction, card comes out, check the PIN, insert again. Finally ATM surrenders, money comes out and bingo!! We are done.

Hey I managed to pass almost 15 minutes and this can go on but I am supposed to pick up mom n dad from station in morning 5.00. I have got almost one and half hour so better I try to sleep again… good night folks.


You are hired...
Few days back we published an advert in newspaper for developers and some other posts like content writing and online marketing. During the process of scrutinizing the right candidates, I also got the pleasure of talking to some real gems. I don’t think it will be the only reason if I am found in a mental asylum in couple of years but there will be a huge contribution to these adverts which we keep on publishing on regular basis. So, here goes the collector’s edition of these not so rare gems.

Candidate 1

Without bothering to introduce or wasting time on hi hello

C - Is it xxx-xxx-xxx
Me – Yes
C – So what is the profile of your company?
Me – and what is it regarding?
C – You have this advert in paper for job requirements.
Me – Well, in that case, don’t you think, I should be the one asking for this question?
C – Umm, I am xyz and I have completed my engineering and... some blah blah blah
C – May I know who am I speaking to?
Me – Maheep
C – So Pradeep why..
Me – M A H E E P
C – Yeah Sandeep
Me – cutting in between... Mail me your resume and we will see.
C - Why don’t you text me your address and I will bring it in person and then we can speak further.
Me - Why don’t you shove it up in your… arsehole

Candidate 2

C – Hi, my name is XYZ and I am a network engineer in YYY but I am looking to change the profile and wanted to know more about your institute and courses you are offering.
Me – Where exactly our advert says that we run an institute and offer courses?
C – It says .Net, C++ and all that
Me – Yeah, but if you put in a little more effort, it also says we need software developers.
C – Oh! Is that so? You are looking for software engineers and it’s not about training?
Me – Precisely
C – Umm, you have mentioned .Net in the advert so that should be for network and in that case my current profile will suit you.
Me – What did you say? You are an engineer?
C – Yeah
Me – Computer Engineer?
C - Yeah
Me – Ever heard of Google?
C – Yeah
Me – Then use it shithead, to find the meaning of .Net

Candidate 3

in email

In reference to your advert for the post of software developers, I have sent my resume on xx-xxx. This is to remind you, if it meets your expectations, call me.



So what are you? Godfather? Chota Shakeel?

Mind it, I am not exaggerating. It’s copy-paste from the Godfather’s email and same with the phone conversations. I think I have all the reasons to feel blessed that I didn’t attend all of them. Otherwise… god save me…

That reminds me of my first meeting with my father-in-law who didn’t have a clue about software industry and quite naively he asked. So son, where do you procure your raw material from? So folks this is our raw material, man power, and this is how we procure them.


What next!!
Couple of years back when our beloved Ekta Kapoor stormed the Indian television with her shoddy and sappy soaps, I used to think, nah, this cannot really work. Its just a time being phase which will fade out pretty soon. I don’t need to mention, how very wrong I was. Quite soon every channel had at least 20 creepy shows of their own. All they needed was some wanna be actors, an out of work sound engineer to record thud-dish-dhum-thud sounds and someone with Parkinson’s to operate the camera in full zoom 10 times in a row on the face or eyes or legs of those so called actors. Rest assured that whole bunch of dumbass people will be watching them religiously to shed tears and rock the TRPs.

Then came the reality shows time. I don’t remember watching even a single show but it was very in. At that time, I didn’t bet on their success or how long it will go but thought it couldn’t go worse than this. Sigh… time proved me wrong once again and there came so called laughter shows. The only idea of humor for those perverts was cross dressing and cracking cheap jokes with some pre-paid guests to laugh on each and every word uttered by those gender-benders.

Now when they already had the rock bottom touched, what next? Come, welcome to the era of “The Perfect Bride” and “Rakhi Ka Swaymvar”. By then I had already stopped watching TV and worrying about their standards but I used to feel so irritated and frustrated that I was like screaming if I saw someone watching that shit. Come on people, you can’t bloody blame the producers coz its us who make these shows hit and invite them to line up with all the more shitty stuff. However, this is a weird world and all the more weird is the breed of TV producers so now we have “Raaj Pichale Janam Ka”. I am not sure how can someone in right state of his/her mind tolerate this hogwash but as it shows lots of people do stomach and even believe this trash. In past few days I have seen several people expressing their urge to be part of this show so guess the producers are right once again.

As they say, it’s the consumer who drives the market, not the other way around so its no use my grumbling here. Let us be prepared to watch porn shows, beer bar fights, go-go dance competitions and sorts in near future. As far as TRPs are rocking and money is rolling from SMS polls, keep em coming…


Whereabouts, vacation log, cuckoo birds tales etc.
Okay, so finally I am back from a disastrous vacation in Sikkim, alive and now after almost 2 weeks, kicking once again. To be honest, I was not very keen to go in first place but just before the scheduled departure I actually started looking forward to it. Now what happened out there is altogether different story and it vindicated my thoughts about cancelling this. Although it was full of messy shit but there was something else which was truly out of this world.

You know there are couples made for each other and then there are those who are not happy with just made for each other, they want a lot more than that and fortunately or unfortunately we had the pleasure of company from one such couple during this trip. I know later or sooner they will be reading this but sorry folks I need to vent out and probably you also need to think again about this, all for the good cause of course.

Okay now imagine this – you start a sentence with a so called affectionate pet name and end it with the same pet name. Sounds romantic? Wait… let me give you some real life examples. mota chal na mota (Fatty come fatty), kuchu chal nahane chalet hai kuchu (kuchu let us take bath kuchu), Mota dekh ye mere ko aise kah raha hai Mota (Fatty, see what he is saying Fatty). Now replace these pet names with anything which fancies you and is remotely romantic or affectionate or tender or adoring or erotic in your opinion. Then multiply the instances with 1000. Done? Now for heaven’s sake think about the other people who are with you and willingly or unwillingly listen to all these so called not so sweet nothings. Yes it hurts baby and goddamn it you have those closed rooms where you can cling to each other. You were obviously enjoying it guys, but sorry, PDA is a BIG NO after a certain extent and you guys made it a fucking eyesore.

You will talk all the time like this, whether you are in public or private, you can’t keep your bloody neck straight coz it has to rest on the shoulder of your beloved partner. Then, you will make statements like kuchu dhyan se aana kuchu, samne glass pada hai (kuchu, please take care kuchu, there is a glass ahead). Gosh, kuchu has been gifted with his own pair of eyes and those seem to be working perfectly alright so please cut this horseshit. I know, I am not the right person to comment on love, care or romance but can safely say its not bloody love whatsoever.

So cuckoo birds, if you are reading this, this is a humble request, please think again about it. You guys are mature, smart and educated people. Stop behaving like you are in your first teenage crush. I know you care for each other but there are other ways to show that. You might be thinking what a rude discourteous ass I am but trust me other people must be having more or less similar feelings about it. So, about time to change guys…

Anyways, talking about other disasters, I don’t really want to think again about it coz that will make me want another vacation to come out of the trauma but hey some bulleted points won’t make it worse.

  • It took us almost 26 hours to reach there, which included a train journey, a no frill flight and 5 hours on road and when we finally arrived, I figured out, the hotel was altogether different from what we were promised and displayed in the pics on their website.
  • We had to search for 1 hour to get a half decent hotel immediately and when we actually found it, they had rooms available for just one night.
  • Next morning, hunt for the hotel begun once again and any hotel which we liked had no rooms and we had to settle in a lodge kind of thing for whooping 2000 bucks a day.
  • The cuckoo birds were very much interested in sight seeing coz in their opinion when they have spent 50k bucks on vacation, it was to visit places, not to stay in hotel and relax.
  • Cuckoo birds also thought, if we have come together, we have to visit those places together so poor me spent most of the time visiting zoos, flower exhibitions and other things while stuffed in the back seat of a Maruti Van (coz the goddamn place don’t have any option where tourists can have a car or bike on self-driven basis)
  • We went 40 KM and 10000 feet above from place where we were staying to see a supposedly frozen lake but after actually reaching there, figured out, my refrigerator has more ice than that bloody place.
  • When coming back, some jerks demanding for Gorkhaland as a separate state, blocked the road and we had to walk 3 KM with all luggages so that we can catch the flight in time.
  • Wait, its not over, on the Railway Platform that night, yours truly met an accident and fell down to rail track with the laptop and suitcase coz some moron from Indian railways thought the platform has been inherited to his father and he can do whatever he wants.

I am still on a rest to actually refresh myself from the ordeal of holidays so don’t expect much for next few days…