You are hired...
Few days back we published an advert in newspaper for developers and some other posts like content writing and online marketing. During the process of scrutinizing the right candidates, I also got the pleasure of talking to some real gems. I don’t think it will be the only reason if I am found in a mental asylum in couple of years but there will be a huge contribution to these adverts which we keep on publishing on regular basis. So, here goes the collector’s edition of these not so rare gems.

Candidate 1

Without bothering to introduce or wasting time on hi hello

C - Is it xxx-xxx-xxx
Me – Yes
C – So what is the profile of your company?
Me – and what is it regarding?
C – You have this advert in paper for job requirements.
Me – Well, in that case, don’t you think, I should be the one asking for this question?
C – Umm, I am xyz and I have completed my engineering and... some blah blah blah
C – May I know who am I speaking to?
Me – Maheep
C – So Pradeep why..
Me – M A H E E P
C – Yeah Sandeep
Me – cutting in between... Mail me your resume and we will see.
C - Why don’t you text me your address and I will bring it in person and then we can speak further.
Me - Why don’t you shove it up in your… arsehole

Candidate 2

C – Hi, my name is XYZ and I am a network engineer in YYY but I am looking to change the profile and wanted to know more about your institute and courses you are offering.
Me – Where exactly our advert says that we run an institute and offer courses?
C – It says .Net, C++ and all that
Me – Yeah, but if you put in a little more effort, it also says we need software developers.
C – Oh! Is that so? You are looking for software engineers and it’s not about training?
Me – Precisely
C – Umm, you have mentioned .Net in the advert so that should be for network and in that case my current profile will suit you.
Me – What did you say? You are an engineer?
C – Yeah
Me – Computer Engineer?
C - Yeah
Me – Ever heard of Google?
C – Yeah
Me – Then use it shithead, to find the meaning of .Net

Candidate 3

in email

In reference to your advert for the post of software developers, I have sent my resume on xx-xxx. This is to remind you, if it meets your expectations, call me.



So what are you? Godfather? Chota Shakeel?

Mind it, I am not exaggerating. It’s copy-paste from the Godfather’s email and same with the phone conversations. I think I have all the reasons to feel blessed that I didn’t attend all of them. Otherwise… god save me…

That reminds me of my first meeting with my father-in-law who didn’t have a clue about software industry and quite naively he asked. So son, where do you procure your raw material from? So folks this is our raw material, man power, and this is how we procure them.


What next!!
Couple of years back when our beloved Ekta Kapoor stormed the Indian television with her shoddy and sappy soaps, I used to think, nah, this cannot really work. Its just a time being phase which will fade out pretty soon. I don’t need to mention, how very wrong I was. Quite soon every channel had at least 20 creepy shows of their own. All they needed was some wanna be actors, an out of work sound engineer to record thud-dish-dhum-thud sounds and someone with Parkinson’s to operate the camera in full zoom 10 times in a row on the face or eyes or legs of those so called actors. Rest assured that whole bunch of dumbass people will be watching them religiously to shed tears and rock the TRPs.

Then came the reality shows time. I don’t remember watching even a single show but it was very in. At that time, I didn’t bet on their success or how long it will go but thought it couldn’t go worse than this. Sigh… time proved me wrong once again and there came so called laughter shows. The only idea of humor for those perverts was cross dressing and cracking cheap jokes with some pre-paid guests to laugh on each and every word uttered by those gender-benders.

Now when they already had the rock bottom touched, what next? Come, welcome to the era of “The Perfect Bride” and “Rakhi Ka Swaymvar”. By then I had already stopped watching TV and worrying about their standards but I used to feel so irritated and frustrated that I was like screaming if I saw someone watching that shit. Come on people, you can’t bloody blame the producers coz its us who make these shows hit and invite them to line up with all the more shitty stuff. However, this is a weird world and all the more weird is the breed of TV producers so now we have “Raaj Pichale Janam Ka”. I am not sure how can someone in right state of his/her mind tolerate this hogwash but as it shows lots of people do stomach and even believe this trash. In past few days I have seen several people expressing their urge to be part of this show so guess the producers are right once again.

As they say, it’s the consumer who drives the market, not the other way around so its no use my grumbling here. Let us be prepared to watch porn shows, beer bar fights, go-go dance competitions and sorts in near future. As far as TRPs are rocking and money is rolling from SMS polls, keep em coming…


Whereabouts, vacation log, cuckoo birds tales etc.
Okay, so finally I am back from a disastrous vacation in Sikkim, alive and now after almost 2 weeks, kicking once again. To be honest, I was not very keen to go in first place but just before the scheduled departure I actually started looking forward to it. Now what happened out there is altogether different story and it vindicated my thoughts about cancelling this. Although it was full of messy shit but there was something else which was truly out of this world.

You know there are couples made for each other and then there are those who are not happy with just made for each other, they want a lot more than that and fortunately or unfortunately we had the pleasure of company from one such couple during this trip. I know later or sooner they will be reading this but sorry folks I need to vent out and probably you also need to think again about this, all for the good cause of course.

Okay now imagine this – you start a sentence with a so called affectionate pet name and end it with the same pet name. Sounds romantic? Wait… let me give you some real life examples. mota chal na mota (Fatty come fatty), kuchu chal nahane chalet hai kuchu (kuchu let us take bath kuchu), Mota dekh ye mere ko aise kah raha hai Mota (Fatty, see what he is saying Fatty). Now replace these pet names with anything which fancies you and is remotely romantic or affectionate or tender or adoring or erotic in your opinion. Then multiply the instances with 1000. Done? Now for heaven’s sake think about the other people who are with you and willingly or unwillingly listen to all these so called not so sweet nothings. Yes it hurts baby and goddamn it you have those closed rooms where you can cling to each other. You were obviously enjoying it guys, but sorry, PDA is a BIG NO after a certain extent and you guys made it a fucking eyesore.

You will talk all the time like this, whether you are in public or private, you can’t keep your bloody neck straight coz it has to rest on the shoulder of your beloved partner. Then, you will make statements like kuchu dhyan se aana kuchu, samne glass pada hai (kuchu, please take care kuchu, there is a glass ahead). Gosh, kuchu has been gifted with his own pair of eyes and those seem to be working perfectly alright so please cut this horseshit. I know, I am not the right person to comment on love, care or romance but can safely say its not bloody love whatsoever.

So cuckoo birds, if you are reading this, this is a humble request, please think again about it. You guys are mature, smart and educated people. Stop behaving like you are in your first teenage crush. I know you care for each other but there are other ways to show that. You might be thinking what a rude discourteous ass I am but trust me other people must be having more or less similar feelings about it. So, about time to change guys…

Anyways, talking about other disasters, I don’t really want to think again about it coz that will make me want another vacation to come out of the trauma but hey some bulleted points won’t make it worse.

  • It took us almost 26 hours to reach there, which included a train journey, a no frill flight and 5 hours on road and when we finally arrived, I figured out, the hotel was altogether different from what we were promised and displayed in the pics on their website.
  • We had to search for 1 hour to get a half decent hotel immediately and when we actually found it, they had rooms available for just one night.
  • Next morning, hunt for the hotel begun once again and any hotel which we liked had no rooms and we had to settle in a lodge kind of thing for whooping 2000 bucks a day.
  • The cuckoo birds were very much interested in sight seeing coz in their opinion when they have spent 50k bucks on vacation, it was to visit places, not to stay in hotel and relax.
  • Cuckoo birds also thought, if we have come together, we have to visit those places together so poor me spent most of the time visiting zoos, flower exhibitions and other things while stuffed in the back seat of a Maruti Van (coz the goddamn place don’t have any option where tourists can have a car or bike on self-driven basis)
  • We went 40 KM and 10000 feet above from place where we were staying to see a supposedly frozen lake but after actually reaching there, figured out, my refrigerator has more ice than that bloody place.
  • When coming back, some jerks demanding for Gorkhaland as a separate state, blocked the road and we had to walk 3 KM with all luggages so that we can catch the flight in time.
  • Wait, its not over, on the Railway Platform that night, yours truly met an accident and fell down to rail track with the laptop and suitcase coz some moron from Indian railways thought the platform has been inherited to his father and he can do whatever he wants.

I am still on a rest to actually refresh myself from the ordeal of holidays so don’t expect much for next few days…