Beware! Bozos on the loose
Have you ever noticed how many jerks are rambling open in this world who should have never actually been allowed to come out of the primary schools. They will look like our regular next door guy but with a catch, and that is, they never actually came across the basics of a civilized society. They wander open in streets threatening to humanity and can be found everywhere without putting in any major efforts. If you ask me, now when they are already out and probably too old for schools, only other suitable place that comes to mind is perhaps a zoo.

The subjects here can be divided in several categories and as it will not be possible to cover them all in a single post, I will start with a generic category which is usually found on roads. You don’t really need to hunt for them, count 1, 2, and hey presto! There they are… honking with all their might. No left, no right, no rules, no regulations, just honk honk honk. To quench my never ending thirst for erudition, I decided to interview some serious gamers in the field with just one question, why do people honk! So here we go…

Subject 1 – 20 something, nicely trimmed goatee, wearing a leather jacket, pierced ear, expensive shades and even expensive bike

Style uncle style! Gotta noticed by chicks, aap nai samjhoge baba, tez gadi chalane padta hai, ladki log ko impress karna padta hai (you won’t understand old bag, need to drive fast, need to impress the gals)

Subject 2 – in his middle age, accelerating an old Bajaj Chetak like doing 120 miles per hour but actually standing still on a red signal, finger firmly glued to horn button.

Puzzled.. am I? heh heh!!

Subject 3 – from some nearby village, in a Mahindra Utility overloaded with grain bags, milk cans and 2 buffalos. Wearing Pagdi, dhoti and kurta (Turban and traditional Indian dress)

Tanne ke? Mhari gadi, mhara horan, tanne ke panchayant hon laag ri hai? Aur ib side main ho le, varna mar mara javega (None of your bloody business. My car, my horn, who are you to ask? And BTW, stay out of the way or will be flattened here only.)

Subject 4 – a truck driver on highway, no traffic but still screaming with the pressure horn.

Gadi ke peeche dekho saab (look at the back of truck sir)

In colorful letters it had written -

Hum bhi banna chahte the sangeetkar, par duniya luta baithe
Kismat kuch aise palti, lorry chala baithe

(wanted to be a musician but lost everything, life took a steep turn and ended up as a truck driver)

Bus saab is liye ye horn se he music baja baja ke khush ho lete hai (so sir, I try to please myself by playing some music with this horn)

Then suddenly some loud folk music echoed in the air, I tried to figure out where it was coming from and saw a camel-cart on the far end of road. As it came nearer I asked the villager riding on it. Hey what’s wrong, why this loud music?

kya kare saab, hamari gadi main horn nai hai na, to bus ye gana baje ke he khush ho lete hai.

(What to do sir, no horn in my camel-cart so trying to please myself by this music only)

To be contd..
(with a different category of bozos next time)

Till then, keep honking…


Happy _______ Blah blah blah…
Okay fellas, so it is Holi, and by the grace of all those messaging aficionados, my cell inbox is full once again with all those colorful, loving, emotional and heartily good wishes. Now I really appreciate that and I mean it, but there is a small problem, literally insignificant, and that is, I don’t know the names of more than half of these well-wishers. I know am sounding discourteous as usual but can’t help it and I need to ask this one question – WHY DON’T YOU GUYS WRITE YOUR NAME IN THE END OF MESSAGE? Do you think just because you have my number in your phonebook, I will also have your number stored? And hey, let us get this straight. I don’t have any misconception about myself so let us not fake it. I know, most of you have my number stored only coz either you are too lazy to manage and clean up the phone book or you simply don’t know that cell phones also have a delete contact option. So willingly or unwillingly, on every occasion, which India has in tons, you simply select all and send the so called best wishes. You guys have no clue, what a herculean task it is for someone like me who don’t have a phonebook at all. However, today, to make an exception, I decided to dig through my old phonebook backups and guess what I found – Among others, I also got best wishes from -
  • Someone who literally threatened me in our last meeting with words “dekhna aap”, (You will see), which was around 7 years back.
  • In-charge of banquet hall in our wedding.
  • Some corrupt embezzling officer to whom I spoke once for an order (in my previous business) and the deal didn’t materialize coz apart from money, he asked for some xxx CDs (internet was not that common those days). Again some 6 years back.
  • An old crook customer who didn’t pay the final invoice and stopped picking up phones, replying to messages and ended up in bad debts.
Then there is a guy who never stays in touch otherwise but will always send a message on festivals. As obvious, I don’t bother to reply so after 4 days he will call personally to tell me, yaar maheep, bade aadmi ho gaye ho, message ka reply bhi nai karte? (Maheep, you have become a big-shot or what, you don’t even reply to my messages?). Urgh.. come on buddy, get a life. The same fellow, met me once after marriage and greeted with – “Yaar shadi main bulaya he nai? Bulate to kuch dekar he jate!! (Hey, you dint invite me in your wedding, If nothing, I would have given some gift). Now what could I say.. so.. wateve!!

Anyways, I have this special festive offer for all you guys, instead of sending a message next time, please call me and I will tell you how to delete a contact from your phonebook. Muft, muft, muft!! (Free, free, free!!)